Merry Christmas

This years Christmas will be a lil harder than some..I lost Jason, Aiyush and Ramon this year..2 to suicide and 1 to a horrible accident. I'd give anything to have them back right now :( some wishes Santa just can't grant..I also had a relationship end this week..nice timing eh? Merry Christmas to me, right? One day I will have everything I want and be truly happy..might take a year or 10 but I've got nothing but time, so I can wait.

I hope everyone has very Merry Christmas and a safe and Happy New Year!

xoxo

Blah.,.Happiness

I think it's all one big pile of shit. Nobody is ever meant to be truly happy..at least not stay happy all the time. You'd think that people who are never happy, get used to it. But they don't..they get one little glimpse of happiness and have a tiny bit of hope in their heart to just have it taken away. So why bother? Why try have any type of happiness at all? Just to set yourself up for failure? Heartache? Lies? I've learned a few things though..
NEVER trust anyone
NEVER believe promises made to you..no matter what
expect NOTHING so that when you don't get anything, you're not disappointed
keep your heart HIDDEN and it won't get broken

I'm tired of being tired..I'm tired of being hurt and being fake. I "came out" in a note awhile back and got lots of love and acceptance from a lot of people. Had a few people delete or ignore me because I wasn't what they wanted me to be..shallow people I guess. But now I just want to stop pretending that I'm always happy..I'm not..even when I was happy being with someone, I was still hurting inside and being depressed all the time. I don't love myself..I don't like myself sometimes but I'm learning to try. I want to have emo days and bitchy days without anyone being so shocked as to where its coming from. I want to have a life...I want to matter to someone..I want to be the first thought on someones mind when they wake up and the last thought when they go to bed..I want to be able to not worry about money (EVER)..I want peace in my family..I want to grow old someone who cares about me..I want to be able to smile and actually mean it..I just want a lil happiness, is that too much to ask for?

Bella N Daisy

Ok..on a lighter note..here's some recent pics of Daisy and Bella :) Bella's going to be in the first grade this year :S she's growing up so fast! Daisy needs surgery in August :( she's still so tiny but getting fatter each day :P

Here's Bella in a pic I made for one of Facebook's apps :P

Well, I'm drawing a complete blank as to what I was going to say now GRRR so I guess I'll just save and if it comes to me it comes to me lol

Mwahss

UGH the doctor

Im supposed to make an appointment soon but I keep putting it off. Was just supposed to be the normal blood tests for my diabetes and then they said my liver enzymes were off. Off? So I asked, they said it could be meds Im taking or could be liver damage :O that scared me so now I'm being a baby and not wanting to find out..thinking it could be liver damage and then what? I know I should just go and get it over with but it's scary. Ive decided that I am just going to woman up and make the appointment for next week on my day off. What's the worst they can tell me? That it is liver damage and that I'll have to go on treatment or need a transplant or die? We all die someday right? At least I know if one person reads this it'll make him happy..guess that's my good deed for the day

BLAH

Have you ever known anyone who doesn't have any luck unless it's bad luck? Well if you know me then you know that person. Seems somethings always going wrong in my life and it never balances out. I'm tired of pretending everything's ok all the time..tired of putting on the happy face because I don't want to bring anyone down or have them pity me. Well, from now on I'm gonna whine and complain and bitch about all my problems. It does no good for me to keep them bottled up anymore. And for once..let me be the person that you don't come to with your issues..let me come to you and lean on you for once :/ Don't get me wrong, I love and care for my friends greatly..and will always try and be there for them..I just want my time too. That's not too much to ask for is it?

One more day...

I can't believe the last 5 days have gone by so fast :/ I did absolutely nothing at all. I suppose bumming around didn't help much..at least I have another 6days off in a week. A friend suggested I take a trip out of town, try something new. Knowing my luck, I'll get lost lol and that's nothing new ;) But, I will try and take his advice and at least take a day trip somewhere. I just wish the ones I was closest too didn't live so far away..would love to be able to meet them all *sighs*

UGH I'm still trying to quit smoking. They've gone up so much that you can pretty much choose to buy dinner or buy a pack lol I was told to put $1 in a jar for every cigarette I smoke. So either I'm going to quit soon, or I'm going to have my airfare to Malaysia and Maldives :P Wishful thinking, I know. One day I'll make it there..one day.

OH I'm getting a new puppy on Thursday :P an 8wk old shit-zu. I'll definitely take lots of pics. Bella has decided she wants to name her Daisy :S don't really like that name, but it's technically not mine so I guess I don't really have a say lol


Well, I'm bored so I think I'll go off and bug someone ;)

Mwahhhhssss