This years Christmas will be a lil harder than some..I lost Jason, Aiyush and Ramon this year..2 to suicide and 1 to a horrible accident. I'd give anything to have them back right now :( some wishes Santa just can't grant..I also had a relationship end this week..nice timing eh? Merry Christmas to me, right? One day I will have everything I want and be truly happy..might take a year or 10 but I've got nothing but time, so I can wait.
I hope everyone has very Merry Christmas and a safe and Happy New Year!
xoxo
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Blah.,.Happiness
I think it's all one big pile of shit. Nobody is ever meant to be truly happy..at least not stay happy all the time. You'd think that people who are never happy, get used to it. But they don't..they get one little glimpse of happiness and have a tiny bit of hope in their heart to just have it taken away. So why bother? Why try have any type of happiness at all? Just to set yourself up for failure? Heartache? Lies? I've learned a few things though..
NEVER trust anyone
NEVER believe promises made to you..no matter what
expect NOTHING so that when you don't get anything, you're not disappointed
keep your heart HIDDEN and it won't get broken
I'm tired of being tired..I'm tired of being hurt and being fake. I "came out" in a note awhile back and got lots of love and acceptance from a lot of people. Had a few people delete or ignore me because I wasn't what they wanted me to be..shallow people I guess. But now I just want to stop pretending that I'm always happy..I'm not..even when I was happy being with someone, I was still hurting inside and being depressed all the time. I don't love myself..I don't like myself sometimes but I'm learning to try. I want to have emo days and bitchy days without anyone being so shocked as to where its coming from. I want to have a life...I want to matter to someone..I want to be the first thought on someones mind when they wake up and the last thought when they go to bed..I want to be able to not worry about money (EVER)..I want peace in my family..I want to grow old someone who cares about me..I want to be able to smile and actually mean it..I just want a lil happiness, is that too much to ask for?
NEVER trust anyone
NEVER believe promises made to you..no matter what
expect NOTHING so that when you don't get anything, you're not disappointed
keep your heart HIDDEN and it won't get broken
I'm tired of being tired..I'm tired of being hurt and being fake. I "came out" in a note awhile back and got lots of love and acceptance from a lot of people. Had a few people delete or ignore me because I wasn't what they wanted me to be..shallow people I guess. But now I just want to stop pretending that I'm always happy..I'm not..even when I was happy being with someone, I was still hurting inside and being depressed all the time. I don't love myself..I don't like myself sometimes but I'm learning to try. I want to have emo days and bitchy days without anyone being so shocked as to where its coming from. I want to have a life...I want to matter to someone..I want to be the first thought on someones mind when they wake up and the last thought when they go to bed..I want to be able to not worry about money (EVER)..I want peace in my family..I want to grow old someone who cares about me..I want to be able to smile and actually mean it..I just want a lil happiness, is that too much to ask for?
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