Bella's first day of 2nd grade

Bella started 2nd grade last week...she's getting so big now :( growing up too fast *sighs* anyway..wanted to share a pic of her :)

Lifehouse: Take Me Away

this time what I want is you
there is no one else
who can take your place
this time you burn me with your eyes
you see past all the lies
you take it all away
I've seen it all
and it's never enough
it keeps leaving me needing you

take me away
take me away
I've got nothing left to say
just take me away

I try to make my way to you
but still I feel so lost
I don't know what else I can do
I've seen it all
and it's never enough
it keeps leaving me needing you

take me away
take me away
I've got nothing left to say
just take me away

don't give up on me yet
don't forget who I am
I know I'm not there yet
but don't let
me stay here alone

this time what I want is you
there is no one else
who can take your place
I've seen enough and it's never enough
it keeps leaving me needing you

take me away
take me away
I've got nothing left to say
just take me away

take me away
take me away
I've got nothing left to say
just take me away

Been a long time..

I keep telling myself that I am going to blog more often..and it never happens. A lot has happened since I blogged last..the worst being my dad passed away in May. It's still so hard to believe he's gone. I can still remember his cologne and the way he sounded and I hope I never forget those things. I miss him so much and wish he was still here with us..I wanted him to know how much I love him and wish I had just said it more often. I end up crying a lot lately..mostly from missing him and Aiyush and just being super sensitive I guess. Everything hurts my feelings or makes me cry..fighting with friends and just feeling down all the time. I want to be put back on depression meds because I really think I need them again :/ I talked to Teshan for 4+hrs last night/morning and she said she would charge me to be her therapist :O her own wifey..can you believe that?

Work still sucks..still haven't found my sugar daddy yet :( but on a good note..I was moved back in pharmacy at least until December. The hours are amazing (noon-8, no weekends) :) couldn't ask for better hours..and no lists or doing the garbage lol I hope I can stay on after December..so keep your fingers crossed :P

I'm taking a trip in a week, to Seattle. They call it my "nerd trip" because my sister and 2 of my friends are going to see where they filmed Twilight (go ahead, laugh now..get it all out). So we'll be sight seeing the first day and Twilight tours the next 2 :P We'll have to drive to Oregon to see a few but it's worth it, at least we think so lol Poor Bella wanted to go soooo bad lol but she's in school and I know my sister wouldn't let her fly without her. So look for lots of pics being posted when I get back!

Ok..I'm sleepy so that means its nap time. I am def going to try and blog more often :)

ugh can't believe I did it again

1. forgetting to blog regularly..so busy so little time

2. trusting a lying ass AGAIN, just for him to prove to me I was right about him the first time *sighs*

lil busy now..will update later :P

Poem I found..

A Fragile Heart
~ Shernel Jn Pierre

My fragile heart was broken more than once before
I don't think I can endure another pain.
They don't know how or what I feel inside,
through my smiles I cry,
they don't know what they do to me.
Deep inside me I feel like I'm dying.
My world is so empty the days are so cold and lonely
each time I face the purest pain.
I wake up every night to see the state I'm in.
It's like and endless fight I never seems to win.
I should let it out, I think it's time someone should know.
I wish I could tell u the pain that I feel every day,
and that I can't find my way.
How can I break this wall around me
that causes my heart to grow in pain.
With this fire that burns deep within me,
there's so much to lose and yet less to gain.
Is it obvious that I'm caught in emotions
I'm out of control;
I don't know how long I can keep this inside.
So help me complete the pain inside me
and help me mend this fragile heart.

Confused

Sometimes I think life would be more simple if I never had the net..well, I know it would be. But then I wouldn't have met so many wonderful people and my twinny =) But when I faked my appearance I had a few people showing interest..but when I show my true self I have more telling me they have feelings for me. I know I'm a good person and I know Im a good friend...I just don't want anyone getting the wrong impression. I DO care about a lot of people and it makes me feel bad that I can't say I feel the same way for them. I think I should just be "with" myself and only myself for awhile..that would make things much easier for me. It's hard for me to put my feelings out there again. I did recently and got them crushed, and now he wants me back but that makes me uneasy. I don't want to put them out there again to just get hurt. And I know you can't get into any relationship without putting yourself out there..but..I'm not sure I'm willing to do that yet. I think I just need to take a break :)

Yeah..I'm bored

UGH no work and can't go anywhere..love the snow but hate it at the same time lol OH..and I'm cramping and whiney haha so at least only a few people have to put up with the bitching from me ;) Sometimes I think it would be easier being a man..at least for a few days a month lol

So yesterday consisted of..
*watching movies

*chatting online

*cleaning a lil

*taking a nap

fun day huh? I guess I can expect more of the same today since I most likely will stay home again. Maybe I'll give myself a day of pampering and finish one of the many books Im reading. Or maybe I'll just stay in bed the whole day with a heating pad and the remote :O That actually sounds good to me!

yeah, a random pic of me lol For someone who hates having her pic taken..I have tons of them

SNOW!

YAY no work today (and possibly tomorrow) since we got tons of snow :) So now we're just stuck at home and no way of going out for anything lol Great chance to finish reading and watching a few movies..just a calm, relaxing day...with cramps :S lol at least my 10day work week was broken in half :P

Sometimes..

I feel like I have absolutely nobody to talk to when I need an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on. I try and be there for anyone who needs me but when I need someone I always feel like I'm bothering them or something. My heart hurts so bad right now and all I seem to do is cry all the time. I don't want to feel sad all the time or feel like I have pretend to be ok when I'm not. I don't want pity, but I want to be able to have bad days and have someone there to tell me it's ok. I'll just wake up to swollen eyes again and go on like nothing is wrong. I can't even stop the tears now.

I hate the fact that a few people I trust and love dearly have lied to me, and one right to my face..I hate that someone I cared about wants nothing to do with me anymore and I don't honestly know what I did that was bad enough for her to just wash her hands of me. I'm just sick of always having something wrong in my life. I know we can't all have the picture perfect life..but does it have to be so fucked up all the time?

I can't seem to let Aiyush go and I know I need to..but it just doesn't feel right to do it. I think about him every day, all the time, and I know if he were here now he'd know just what to say to me..and he'd end up making me smile like he always did. Fathey would know how to make me smile too..just wish we were like we used to be. My head says give him another chance but my heart just doesn't wanna go through all that again..so Im stuck..confused..stressed...sigh

Hear You Me..

There's no one in town I know
You gave us some place to go.
I never said thank you for that.
I thought I might get one more chance.
What would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
So what would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
And if you were with me tonight,
I'd sing to you just one more time.
A song for a heart so big,
god wouldn't let it live.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.

Can't sleep

Seems like I get less and less sleep each day. It's not by choice at all, I mean, If I could sleep I would. I just can't for whatever reason. I wake up and I'm tired..I pass out and I'm tired..I go to work and I'm tired. I need someone to knock my ass out so I can get a good 24hrs sleep haha I've developed these permanent bags under my eyes..they just won't go away now :S guess thats the perks of insomnia :P There's days when I think I only get about 2-3hrs sleep and other days I get a good 6, possibly a 7..very rarely do I get over 8. Sleeping pills are out of the question..dont wanna get dependent on them..and I heard chamomile tea would work..but I dont like the taste lol maybe I should try watching golf lol

so lazy..

Ok..so I had 4 days off and did absolutely nothing :O all this lack of sleep is running me down. Today, I didn't get up til almost 5pm! Yeah, 5pm! I guess I need to make myself go to bed earlier or take a sleeping pill. Something has to work. Now I'm on for 10days straight on Monday..but soon I'll have 9days off and I DO plan on doing something while I'm off lol

Went out to dinner with the family the other night..of course I had to have an argument with my dad. If someone isn't arguing with him then it's not normal. I definitely get my temper 100% from him! Just wish we could have ONE meal where someone wasn't bitching about something..I can dream, can't I? LOL Other than the argument..dinner was good. Bella was pigging out on some chips and salsa and could have drank her weight in sprite..if we let her :P I still can't believe she's growing up so fast :(

Soooo I was writing some stuff in my other journal and wrote this..no laughing -_-

Steady thoughts run through my mind..
Always wandering, always searching.
Never finding that place of peace,
Never allowing my head to rest.
Thinking back to alll the simple things,
The ones that meant so much.
My soul is tired, my heart is weak..
My body waits patiently, for what I cannot have.
Always yearning for that endless sleep.

I was playing with Fathey's pics :P

Miss you so much..

All I seem to think about is Aiyush lately :( The more I think about him the more I can't stop crying. I was going through some old msn archives and came across one where I was the one depressed and needed someone..He was there for me. He gave me encouraging words, hugs, everything I needed..But I couldn't be there for him and I wish I could have been. Maybe he'd still be here if I was, if I had seen that last notification, not gone to work that day, called him more, just been a better friend to him. I think about all the what-ifs and it kills me..I want him back now! I want to be able to text him everyday like I used to..I want drunk phone calls and skype session on cam..I want to be able to tell him how much I love him and need him. But I can't..he's gone and he's never coming back. I can't even write this without crying like a baby. I wanted to hate that girl..I wanted to make her feel like shit for what she did to you :( but I can't, because I know you loved her and wouldn't want me to be that way. But I can't help but to blame her..it was ultimately her fault and I can't forgive her for that. One day I might be able to, but not now, not yet. You were never invisible. I love you always Aiyush

2009...

I'm no good at expressing how I feel most of the time, unless its to show that I'm pissed :P so bare with my ramblings :P

This year has been quite a ride for me.. there have been many good things that happened to me this year and some pretty awful things too. Earlier this summer I lost a friend of mine who thought that taking his own life was the way to get away from his pain..he left behind a great family and a terrific son who miss him terribly. I think about him a lot and try and remember the fun times we had..just a few months later I was at work and was told that Aiyush has killed himself and I lost it..it was a total shock to us all. He was such a good friend to me and I just wish I had been a little better friend to him. I loved him dearly and would have done anything for him. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him and wish he were back :( but he too thought this was the way to end his suffering..I only wish they had given it a little more thought. I know they didnt want any of us hurting, but a lot of us still are. I thought that was going to be the last of the bad news of 2009..then about a month ago, one of my bosses husband was in a motorcycle accident and was killed instantly. I hung out with them often and he would always come to our job to joke around..He was a great father, husband and friend and will surely be missed by many.

I hope those of you that have lost someone finds peace in your heart and those of you that are feeling alone or desperate to always know there is always an option..there's always hope..there's always another way. You can talk to me whenever you feel you need to...and if need be, I can call you wherever you are, any time <3 <3


2009 was also kind of an eye opener for me..I started on fb years ago and was just the real "me"..then I started to try and photoshop "me" into what I thought people wanted me to be. If I got attention then I kept the lie going.. So I was a fake. I decided to come clean with the push from someone, and have felt like the world had been lifted from my shoulders. I no longer had to pretend anymore and those that chose to stop talking to me (you know who you are) are just missing out. Nobody's perfect and I'm starting to see that. I got an inbox message from quite a few people saying how proud they were of me and that I actually inspired a couple people. That made me feel really good to think that just being myself would help someone else do the same one day. I have missed a few of the ones who are no longer speaking to me, but I'm going to move on and they're going to regret not knowing me like they should :) I even got on cam for a few people, there's no photoshopping on your cam lol So no more fake me..all you're getting is the real MeMe, under eye bags and all :P

So what are my New Years Resolutions? Hmm well I have quit smoking (a little over a month now..yay me) and I'm not biting my nails anymore lol I was trying to beat Fathey but that doesn't seem to be working lol so for me..it's gonna be health related, inner and outer.

1. I'm going to start eating and living healthier

2. I'm going to work on my temper (shocking huh lol bet most of you didn't know I had one (A) )

3. Going to start loving myself

4. Manage my finances MUCH better than I have been

5. Try and get along with my family more :/

6. Have a more positive attitude towards life and will not rely on others to make or keep me happy. I will be the one in charge of my own destiny and happiness from now on :) It's hard to let people in and then have things fall apart..so I'll be more guarded but will still be willing to let the walls down a bit ;)

I do plan on meeting my Twinny and wifeys this year so that has to be a sign that the year will be much better than the last :) Can you see all of us together in one place :O I smell trouble lol


So if you've managed to stay awake through this..thank you :P

I wish you all a very Happy and Healthy New Year, may all your hearts be filled with love, happiness and comfort <3 <3 I'm sincerely glad to call you my friends and family :)


Mwahsssss
xoxoxoxox
MeMe :)