Merry Christmas

This years Christmas will be a lil harder than some..I lost Jason, Aiyush and Ramon this year..2 to suicide and 1 to a horrible accident. I'd give anything to have them back right now :( some wishes Santa just can't grant..I also had a relationship end this week..nice timing eh? Merry Christmas to me, right? One day I will have everything I want and be truly happy..might take a year or 10 but I've got nothing but time, so I can wait.

I hope everyone has very Merry Christmas and a safe and Happy New Year!

xoxo

Blah.,.Happiness

I think it's all one big pile of shit. Nobody is ever meant to be truly happy..at least not stay happy all the time. You'd think that people who are never happy, get used to it. But they don't..they get one little glimpse of happiness and have a tiny bit of hope in their heart to just have it taken away. So why bother? Why try have any type of happiness at all? Just to set yourself up for failure? Heartache? Lies? I've learned a few things though..
NEVER trust anyone
NEVER believe promises made to you..no matter what
expect NOTHING so that when you don't get anything, you're not disappointed
keep your heart HIDDEN and it won't get broken

I'm tired of being tired..I'm tired of being hurt and being fake. I "came out" in a note awhile back and got lots of love and acceptance from a lot of people. Had a few people delete or ignore me because I wasn't what they wanted me to be..shallow people I guess. But now I just want to stop pretending that I'm always happy..I'm not..even when I was happy being with someone, I was still hurting inside and being depressed all the time. I don't love myself..I don't like myself sometimes but I'm learning to try. I want to have emo days and bitchy days without anyone being so shocked as to where its coming from. I want to have a life...I want to matter to someone..I want to be the first thought on someones mind when they wake up and the last thought when they go to bed..I want to be able to not worry about money (EVER)..I want peace in my family..I want to grow old someone who cares about me..I want to be able to smile and actually mean it..I just want a lil happiness, is that too much to ask for?

Bella N Daisy

Ok..on a lighter note..here's some recent pics of Daisy and Bella :) Bella's going to be in the first grade this year :S she's growing up so fast! Daisy needs surgery in August :( she's still so tiny but getting fatter each day :P

Here's Bella in a pic I made for one of Facebook's apps :P

Well, I'm drawing a complete blank as to what I was going to say now GRRR so I guess I'll just save and if it comes to me it comes to me lol

Mwahss

UGH the doctor

Im supposed to make an appointment soon but I keep putting it off. Was just supposed to be the normal blood tests for my diabetes and then they said my liver enzymes were off. Off? So I asked, they said it could be meds Im taking or could be liver damage :O that scared me so now I'm being a baby and not wanting to find out..thinking it could be liver damage and then what? I know I should just go and get it over with but it's scary. Ive decided that I am just going to woman up and make the appointment for next week on my day off. What's the worst they can tell me? That it is liver damage and that I'll have to go on treatment or need a transplant or die? We all die someday right? At least I know if one person reads this it'll make him happy..guess that's my good deed for the day

BLAH

Have you ever known anyone who doesn't have any luck unless it's bad luck? Well if you know me then you know that person. Seems somethings always going wrong in my life and it never balances out. I'm tired of pretending everything's ok all the time..tired of putting on the happy face because I don't want to bring anyone down or have them pity me. Well, from now on I'm gonna whine and complain and bitch about all my problems. It does no good for me to keep them bottled up anymore. And for once..let me be the person that you don't come to with your issues..let me come to you and lean on you for once :/ Don't get me wrong, I love and care for my friends greatly..and will always try and be there for them..I just want my time too. That's not too much to ask for is it?

One more day...

I can't believe the last 5 days have gone by so fast :/ I did absolutely nothing at all. I suppose bumming around didn't help much..at least I have another 6days off in a week. A friend suggested I take a trip out of town, try something new. Knowing my luck, I'll get lost lol and that's nothing new ;) But, I will try and take his advice and at least take a day trip somewhere. I just wish the ones I was closest too didn't live so far away..would love to be able to meet them all *sighs*

UGH I'm still trying to quit smoking. They've gone up so much that you can pretty much choose to buy dinner or buy a pack lol I was told to put $1 in a jar for every cigarette I smoke. So either I'm going to quit soon, or I'm going to have my airfare to Malaysia and Maldives :P Wishful thinking, I know. One day I'll make it there..one day.

OH I'm getting a new puppy on Thursday :P an 8wk old shit-zu. I'll definitely take lots of pics. Bella has decided she wants to name her Daisy :S don't really like that name, but it's technically not mine so I guess I don't really have a say lol


Well, I'm bored so I think I'll go off and bug someone ;)

Mwahhhhssss

Looking for some attention..pity and such

I'm not as happy as I always appear

I put on a show and fake a smile to hide things I feel

I have fear of growing old alone, and dying the same way

I don't tell people how I really feel because I'm scared of what they might say

I try to be honest with everyone except myself

I cry a lot now and even though I know I have people I can talk to..I don't

I want to be truly loved

I used to think about suicide on a daily basis..but could never put my mom through that

I want to be happy

I wanted to be a mother more than anything in the world..but can't

I would do almost anything for a friend..and hope that they know that

I don't like putting my problems on someone else

I'm good at hiding things

I blame childhood experiences with my distrust in men

I feel my life is going nowhere..fast

I use humor as a release



I posted this on another site as well..I want to tell people but I don't want to seem like I'm asking for sympathy. So please don't comment :/ I just want some to know what I'm about.

Time to whine

I'm sick, fever, cough, runny nose, headache and my throat is killing me. So I have decided that today I will whine..a lot :P GRR and I'm off for 3 days, how fair is that :( I should be sick on the days I work so that I can call out haha. At least I have others who can relate to what I'm going through. Although, they are probably the ones who sent me their e-germs :O :O I'm cold...then hot..then cold lol I think I need some really good drugs to just knock me out for 24hrs and let me get some much needed rest. I was up til 11am yesterday and got up around 4..was so out of it that I forgot to take Bella to dance :( and then didn't wake up til about 8:45pm. So I definitely need sleep and therapy for my online addiction lol At least she wasn't too upset...she said it's boring sometimes anyway :P I'll make it up to her next week, Chuck E. Cheese again (she loves that place). I think I like that place more than she does ;)

Do I really need to be on time?

I mean as long as I show up to work and stay later, do I really need to be at work on time lol Geez..I stay late everyday so that should make up for me being late. I blame it all on facebook...it's an evil addiction. I think I have been on time 10 times in the past 6months, which is not good. Thank GOD they love me at work or I would have been fired long ago :P I am looking out for their safety though, if I'm on time they would pass out. Passing out could be bad :S they could really hurt themselves and I wouldn't want that (well maybe for a couple of them bwahahaha). The trick is that after being late for a week or so, I go in early a couple days and they forget about the late ones lol I really need an at home computer job..then I'm never late ;)One can only wish

Mwahs

The dreaded hair cut..

So I'm going to get my hair cut tomorrow (Saturday) and I always dread them. I love getting it cut but I get sad over cutting the length out :P So cutting it shorter means I'm going to have to actually blow dry my hair before work instead of putting it in a half bun type style..which is so easy for me since I'm always running late lol I usually get it cut to my shoulders every so often and it's only hair, it'll grow back in no time. Plus if my sister tries to get out of doing it, I'll just have to guilt her haha. I'll be sure to post pics on facebook :)

I was thinking about all the hairstyles I've had throughout the years..I grew up on the 80's so I'm pretty sure I had a mullet lol I even went into this tomboy phase and got a rat-tail hair cut (someone has to know what that is lol), I've had perms, and Im not sure why...my hair used to be naturally curly, dyed it many many colors (Bella even called one of them a "purplish" color lol). I've had it long, super long, medium, and super short..which took me forever to get used to not having hair. It was so easy to take care of but I missed my hair and will NEVER cut it that short again. I've never gone blonde though, highlights but never fully blonde and doing photoshops of me as a blonde doesn't look too bad :P Might have to try that one day.

I'm sorta thinking of something this short, but I'm not sure about having bangs again :S I guess we'll see :)



Mwahhhhs

Taco Bell and Starbucks

Great combination huh? Almost makes you wanna puke, right? I also like tuna and chocolate milk haha Well, don't knock it til you try it :P The Cheesy Gordita and Java Chip Frapp are amazing together..I could actually go for another Frapp now *sighs* The bad thing about going to taco bell is I have to go way out of my way because the closest one has these dirty ladies working there...and I'm not trying to sound like a bitch..Seriously! They come in my store all the time fighting with each other, smelling like dirty diapers and rotten cheese and I swear there is fuzz on their teeth. I believe they might be homeless, which does make it a lil sad. They use our bathroom and kinda bathe in the sink when they get off work, which is nasty because they don't clean after themselves and there's always hairs and dirt left over. One day my manager told them that we were about to close so the oldest one goes to the bathroom and isn't paying attention to our announcements that we're (25min later) now closed...so my manager goes in to tell her she needs to leave. The woman had put her belongings in the next stall while she was using the bathroom in the other, not really sure why though. I guess she thought someone was trying to steal her stuff when my manager opened the door, so she jumps up in mid stream and it ends up all over the floor and her clothes. I felt really bad for her but she didnt seem to notice it at all and I was really trying to not to gag while Im letting her out of the building (I have a strong gag reflex when it comes to smells) and she's telling us how nice we are and thanking us, which makes it worse because we're always talking about them (I am a bitch huh?). Anyway...they work at the closest taco bell and I just can't imagine eating something that they prepared, just makes my stomach turn just thinking about it. See I tend to ramble a lot..people at work are used to it lol but Im not sure if they are listening because I'm funny (which..I am XD) or because they're scared of me and know I will make their life a living hell if they don't bwahahahaha :P I'm the kind of person that you want to be friends with at work. I have such a fun, sarcastic personality that people will actually ask to work the same shift as I do lol Plus, if you want to know something..always come to me! If you don't want someone knowing something..never tell me lol Funny thing is, people know I can't keep a secret (unless its important) and they still come to me with their gossip *giggle* I like to think of myself as the 411 at work, and if I don't know, I'll definitely find out :) Blah..11hrs til I'm back to that horrid place :S God give me strength :)

Mwahhs

FOR SALE..err..umm..FREE

OMG I have a brother in law I will ship to you for FREE! I don't know how my sister puts up with him :S He hasn't worked in 3 fuckin years..yes I said 3! He sits on his ass and plays games or gets online for most of his day, the other parts are divided between shitting, sleeping and eating. I am almost certain he doesn't shower but once a month either *gags* Granted, he did have a heart attack last year...but that was LAST YEAR and he's living off my parents..or should I say mooching off of them? He's in his late 30's so there is no reason why he can't get his lazy ass up and find a job! I'd even settle for him slinging burgers and fries than to sit and do absolutely nothing while my sister works 2 jobs (yes I know something is wrong with her to put up with such shit). I was tempted to have someone hack into his account and screw his pc up so he can't get online..but he'd only get my sister to buy him a new one. We argue about this a lot because he treats her nice in front of the family but treats her like shit other times. Knowing she has 2 jobs he is online til all hours of the morning waking her up with his chatting, typing and game playing. She claims she can't make him do anything..sending his ass back to live with his brother is my plan :P I mean, wouldn't you feel kinda bad to be living in someone's house and the only thing you contribute is helping to bring in the groceries and taking out the garbage?? I know I would! Oh and the heart attack..he can't use that as an excuse because my dad had 3 in one month 2 years ago and he went back to work after about 5 months. If I could break them up without her getting hurt, I would. Well, maybe not..but somethings gotta be done. Our younger sister even put in applications for him online..but its no use because when they call he never answers the phone. Claims he has anxiety and gets physically sick when he interviewed before..LMAO..hm OK! So seriously..anyone wanting a freeloading-lazy-mid 30's-male..let me know ;) I will ship for FREE!

Mwahs

To bitch or not to bitch

I have so many pet peeves that I lose track of them all, for instance...when you're driving on the highway/interstate why is it necessary for the car behind you to speed up and get in front of you, only to slow down :S that drives me nuts! I have enough road rage that I don't need it fueled by morons doing that. Whats with the baggy jeans hanging down to the knees? I thought that fad was over years ago..actually saw someone at work trip because they were so low lol I had a good laugh :P Have you ever had someone who's a bit..um..thick (trying to be nice) that wears clothes 2 sizes too small? Gives muffin top and camel toe a whole new meaning when you've seen what I've seen :S It also irks me that on facebook, there are women who prey on young guys..professing their love for them all the while their hubbys or bf's are sleeping or at work. If you get your kicks out of hurting people you should be tarred and feathered :P at least I think that would be appropriate :) I dunno why I get annoyed over so many things...guess it's the scorpio in me..we can be evil sometimes bwahahaha and be the biggest sweehearts too! I'm sure there are things I do that annoy people (can't think of one at the moment lol) but I like honesty..if you don't like me or like what Im doing..tell me. I'd rather you tell me so I can talk shit about you to someone else than to not say anything at all lol kiddng..I think.

mwahss

Sleep?

I'm pretty sure I used to know what that meant. Online addiction can put a lil strain in your sleeping habits lol I think I'm getting about 4-5hrs sleep, unless I'm off work..then I sleep for a good 8-10 hours (catching up on lost sleep). A friend told that she put her bed against her computer desk so that its more comfortable and when she passes out..she's already in bed lol won't say who (Ardee) but that seemed like a good idea to me haha I might have to try that ;) Although, I may never get out of bed on my days off :O The sacrifices I have to make. If any of you are on Facebook..you may know what I mean. Well, Facebook led to long msn convos, which led to hours of skype calls..which means no sleep. I have permanent bags under my eyes to prove it (but they get photoshopped out) ;)

So Im off work for 5 days, 3 being sick and 2 just off..and haven't done anything productive at all. I lack motivation and think that if someone just comes and kicks me in the a$$ I might actually do something. Any volunteers? I'd be willing to pay but would have to give you an IOU at the moment haha Tomorrow I will clean, that'll be something productive..

Have a great weekend!

Mwahhs

Happy New Year..blah

Well, this New Years Eve really sucked (saked for some of you)...where to begin? Hmm..well, for the second year in a row I didn't get my New Years kiss *sigh*, was sick for the past few days so I couldn't drink AND I got to hear about everyone else having fun GRR <--msn emote I think its paybacks for me being evil at some point? Cruel joke? Bad luck? I dunno..

I'm hoping this year brings many many more "memorable" moments. I have to say, being an online addict I meet lots of interesting people lol Some I have really formed a true friendship with, some not so much and some, Im hoping for a bit more :) I'm also trying to make a list of resolutions that I will hopefully follow this year..one being to quit smoking (AGAIN), budget my money a little better, get my drivers license (long story short..it's expired), pamper myself at least once a month lol and to regain some small piece of the life I had before this addiction. Phew! That's gonna be tough :S If I at least stick to one of them I'll be happy!