A good day

Spoke to him for over 3 hrs and I feel better having gotten some things out of the way. Was a good chat and a good day :) It felt good to hear him laugh too. So maybe tomorrow will be even better..who knows.

I haven't had to take the Ativan much at all..I think reducing the stress and upping the prozac has helped a LOT. Which is a good thing, because I never wanted to have to depend on more pills anyway. I'd love to be able to get rid of them all!

So today is the last of my lil 3 day vaca and I really don't wanna go to work lol If I can't win this lottery I have an alternate plan lol I have myself a partner in crime and he has agreed to help me rob a bank lol I think I'd have more luck doing that than to win the lotto lol

Blah day

I wasn't overly depressed or upset or anything..just a blah day..a lazy day and didn't have the energy to really do anything :/ too tired to even post much right now..will sleep and write later

Yay...the weekend!

So I had to work today but it wasn't bad at all..goofed off with co-workers most of the day and only had to be there for 4 1/2 hrs so it wasn't bad at all :) Came home and skyped with JC and Tesh and passed out for a few hours since someone didn't let me sleep at all lol Don't have to go back to work til Wednesday now :P YAY ME!!

Oh...haven't had as many panic attacks as I did before..don't know if me not fighting with him has anything to do with it or the fact that maybe the higher dose of prozac is helping..either way, I'm happy it's not happening as often :)

Thursday...

The morning went well..I feel like things are getting back the way they used to be and that makes me happy. One day I hope we can meet..dunno if that will ever happen..but one can always hope. As long as we don't let the petty things come in between us then I think we will be ok.

So while I was skyping I mentioned that I had just seen a friend request from someone I really hadn't talked to in about 7 months. I messaged them a few days ago and just wanted to start over I guess...wasn't expecting a request, but was happy it was sent. Baby steps..

ugh..I was talked in to working morning instead of closing today..it's after 2am and Im still up :S blah to insomnia!

Today was a good day..

well yesterday lol I chatted with him and it started to feel like old times. I know he is someone I want in my life forever, even though I know he will have a wife and family of his own one day...I still want him in my life even if it's just a tiny bit. I've never shared so much with someone or been so close so that I can just be myself around them like I am with him. We fight..we make up..he just makes me feel like a better person. I love him and I always want him happy.

Started the new meds today..won't know how the new prozac works til next month and had an attack today so I did take one of the pills. It did calm me down so I guess they help. Im trying not to take them though :/ Really didn't want to add another pill to the list  Im already taking :S

well almost 4am...this chick needs sleep <3

so tired..

I'm so tired of broken promises..something always comes up. If I am worth it, they would make the time and effort. When I feel like I get to take one step forward, I end up having to take 3 steps back :( I just need to get away..no net..no phone..no worries

Saw the doctor

He thinks it's panic attacks so he prescribed Ativan..which is habit forming so I need to make sure I only take it when needed. He would have liked to run more tests to see if it was something else but with my lack of insurance it was nearly impossible to do. I hate my job for that. Healthcare should be free for all. So he upped my Prozac too..maybe that will help me get out of this funk and stop me from crying all the time.

Still haven't spoken to him much lately...I see his posts on others and think of the smile it would bring to my face if he would pay me as much attention as he does others. It's been brought up before but I guess he forgot. I have off today and it would be a great day to skype..of course there are always reasons to why we can't now.  Wish he were back in Saudi :/

Playing around with her pics

ughh

So I didn't go to sleep til almost 8am lol Was skyping til late with Ardee and Tanya had to go to the ER for her toe (which they ended up doing nothing for it). So I slept til mid afternoon and wasted yet another day away.

Bella went to KD with Amanda and Ken and brought Hannah with her..they said they had a blast :P

Today..

It wasn't the best but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I wish I could forget what happened that night :( Just seems like it's stuck in my head. I hadn't talked to him today..he messaged me briefly but nothing much. I know he can't remember what yesterday was to me...but..I wish he could have been there for me a little. I am grateful for some awesome friends. Kept me smiling and the lil things they did kept my mind off of it being a bad day.

I ended up re-doing my blog..wanted to change it up since it's been the same since I started years ago. I like it too :) Supposed to go to Jens today..lets see if I keep that promise

2 years

It's been 2 yrs since my dad died..I still remember finding him in the garage and trying to do cpr on him like it was yesterday :( I miss him so much and I know we fought a lot but I wish I had told him more often how much I loved him and I hope he knew. I always wondered if he was in pain or if he was trying to call one of us out there and we just didn't hear :( I really hope he didn't suffer and I would do anything to have him back with us. I know he would have loved Ken and to have been able to walk Amanda down the aisle. To see Bella grow up into the amazing young lady she is going to be and to see her graduate and have a family herself. I thought alot lately about suicide and wondered if I would be able to see him again..to hug him and tell him I love him. To see Aiyush and tell him how sorry I was for not being there when he needed me most. To see Granny and PopPop and Naomi and just be out of pain. Death scares me so much but the thought of being there with them all made the fear go away. But I can't hurt my mom..and I can't imagine what Bella would go through either. So I stay here in pain..hiding most of my pain from everyone. It's on reason I like coming here again..I can put my feelings or ramblings down and it makes me feel a lil better. I still can't believe it's been 2 whole years since he's been gone :( If we had heard him or checked on him..would he still be here? The what ifs just haunt me..

I don't know how much more I can take

I want my pain to go away..I want to stop crying all day...I want to be happy :( I thought our talk was going to resolve things..but you can't resolve anything if you aren't willing to talk. It's like I hit a dead end again. I know he loves me and he should know how much I love him..but the mind games need to stop. I can't keep doing this. I got so scared at work today because I started getting lil chest pains and it freaked me out. I didn't say anything to anyone because it didn't last long, bus scared me none the less. I was so excited when we decided to talk today..loved hearing his voice..then it just turned to shit. I don't know what to do from here..I'm lost

Mother's day cont'd...

Breakfast at Amandas was nice..mom was really surprised with her iPad gift :) I love my family but I was doing everything I possibly could to just not break down and cry. Pretending to be happy all the time takes a lot of effort :/

It's almost been 2 weeks :( seems a lot longer though. I wish things could go back to the way they used to be..when I used to be important to him :( It only took one wall post or a text message from him to make me smile and feel like I mattered. I know he cares about me..just feels different now.

I slept most of the day away yesterday and it's only 2:30pm and Im trying to keep my eyes open :S I don't wanna waste this day away too :/

Happy Mother's Day..

I was up at 7:30 this morning after only getting about 4 hours of sleep..so needless to say  I'm moody and sleepy. Getting ready to have a Mother's Day breakfast at Amanda's and then back home to sleep maybe. I feel like I could snap at everyone :S don't want anyone looking at me or talking to me right now. Maybe I should start back on the prozac and actually finish a bottle. Anyway..will write more later

another day wasted..

Spent most of the day crying and being emo..slept on and off all day too. Didn't get to spend time with Bella like I had planned :/ The meds would work if I took them like I was supposed to I guess..I just get so tired of taking pill after pill. I caught myself dumping the whole bottle of pain pills in my hand last night. I just stared at them for a min or so..obviously I put them back in the bottle, but it was so tempting to just swallow them all..so tempting :( I have no idea what I need to do now and am desperate for some direction..

one week

..til the 2yr anniversary of my dads death :( As if this month wasn't hard enough for me as it is..I have to be reminded of that horrible day too. I always wonder why my life sucks so bad, did I do something? Is is just bad luck? Seems like there is always this black cloud hanging over my head. I need to get myself out of this depression..get motivated to DO something..anything. I just can't believe that of all the good things I've done and people I've helped that I am doomed to forever be alone and miserable. I just don't know what to do anymore and feel so lost all the time. He gets to decide when we will talk and I am the one who was more hurt by what was done and what was said. Why am I the one who feels like I have to hide my feelings this time? Just wish things were easier..is that too much to ask?

Another day..

Nothings changed..nothings better

I wish things could be different

Just want it to end..

Been listening to Boyce Avenue's cover of Coldplays "Fix You"..and can't stop crying. I try so hard and still get ignored. I feel like if I just went away I could make the hurt stop. You don't hurt people you love like this though :( I feel alone all the time, I can't talk about this to anyone because it just gets brushed off as over reacting or Im too embarrassed to say anything. I wanna be able to talk to people about this..keeping it inside me is killing me. I've been thinking about doing it a lot the past few days. I wouldnt be able to forgive myself if I put my family through this..so I guess living in pain is better for one person than many. I truly hate my life :(

How do you love someone you've never met? I've spent years talking to this person and I have nothing but love in my heart for him and wish things could be different..I wish we could meet..I wish religion wasn't an issue..I wish age wasn't an issue..I wish..

In a couple weeks it will be the anniversary of my dads death..2 years sine he's been gone :( I think about him and Aiyush all the time and miss them so much.

I don't know how to stop this and I don't know what to do next. I just want it to stop. I want to stop being sad and depressed all the time. I want to stop crying myself to sleep. I want to stop feeling alone. I just wanna stop.

I love my Bella with all my heart

I give up..

For 5 days I've done nothing but cry and make myself sick. I feel like he's tearing my heart out piece by piece without even a care as to how it makes me feel. I know that isn't healthy for me..and Im tired of being someones punching bag and being blamed for everything because it's easier on them. To have so much love for someone and then to feel like you are worthless in their eyes feels like shit. I've fantasized a few times about just going away..dying or disappearing or whatever..to just stop hurting. Then I think of Bella and I can't do it. Sometimes I wish I had the courage to do it..to just not feel. I wish I had Aiyush to talk to right now, but I don't. I got so angry over him killing himself but I know what he felt like. I know the pain he was going through and the choice he felt he had to make. Did he have the courage I don't? I dont know..