Some bitches just need a punch in the twat ;)

You'd think 2 old ass women would have better things to do than to act like lil jealous bitches on the internet. Darlene and Rae really might not be female because they really seem to have a hard on for me...kinda scary in a stalkerish kind of way lol They MUST have miserable lives if they have to keep bringing me up in conversations AFTER I have blocked them for months. I don't mind fans...but those kinds of fans, I'll pass :)

On to more important things..Christmas is coming a lot faster than normal lol I will be done my shopping next weekend (THANK GOD) and can't wait to start the new year. A new me. A new everything!

Bad night

Had a great bday and a wonderful Thanksgiving...have a lot to be thankful for but it still makes me feel sorry for myself :/ been crying for an hour and its just that I miss someone I used to talk to daily and even though I consider myself in a long distance relationship I still feel so alone :( everyone has someone here and I don't. One of my biggest fears is dying alone and I don't want that. I don't want to fell sorry for myself either but that's what depression does.

My sugar was also really high today...over 400! That's really serious and really bad. If its still bad when I wake up then I will go to the ER. If its not one problem it's another :/ 

I need a pity party bad 

Spent the day with Bella :)

We decided to make Halloween cupcakes :P was pretty fun lol and not so messy :)

she let me play with her hair :P

The finished product......

The before and afters

So I decided to paint my room this week...such a fucking task! If I knew it was gonna be all this work, I would have waited lol Anyway..the tree looks HORRIBLE but Im stuck with it for now lol

The after pics :)

My back, arms and feet were so damn sore afterwards lol I do LOVE the blue color and may paint over the tree or just re-do it darker. 

Spoiled lil girl lol

Bella got her iPad3! I don't even have one lol She was shocked lol Ken wrapped it and put it in a bag then put it in an air mattress box and when she opened it she actually thought she got an air mattress and even though she was disappointed on the inside she smiled and said she loved it like it was the best present she could have gotten lol she's so sweet. She was so shocked to see it :P

Happppppy Birthdaaaaaaaaaaaay Belllllllllllllllllllllla!

It amazes me

how someone who claims to love or care about you can talk to you like you're shit. To mock you and intentionally piss you off. Nice huh? Im so over all this bullshit, not the first person to do it and probably not the last. Does make you wonder if anything that was said was the truth. So angry and hurt but I'm not gonna let it get to me right now..gonna make a drink and have a vicodin :)


Bella's b-day is tomorrow :) she's gonna be 10 and growing up sooo fast blaaahh. I plan on going over after she gets out of school and hang out with them. She doesn't want a party (shocking) and wants pizza and cake for dinner lol I wish I could keep her a child forever.


I skyped with him today..felt good..good to see him smile and I said I wouldn't cry and I didn't lol Maybe I need a break from the net (like that would happen pfft) but seriously..if I could just get away from it all then maybe I would be better? I dunno..


here's Hannah and Bella with a cake/kitkat/m&m cake Amanda's friend made lol

Someone cut my credit cards

I can't believe I spent $150 on fucking curtains :O :O :O at least after I paint it will look nice :) So I will have lots of before, during and after pics. I am attempting a tree mural too *fingers crossed* I hope that it turns out well :S I'm actually excited lol my first home project on my own lol Thank GOD my mom is letting me charge the paint and supplies on her Lowes card...didn't think it would cost so much pfft. So wish me luck and expect tons of pics later this week :P


ohhh Monday is Bella's birthday and I still need to get her one more thing..just don't know what to get her. She's so hard to buy for now..not a 'kid' anymore but not grown either *sighs*

Bella and her friend Hannah :)

I got flowers!

I came to work on Friday and someone told me I had flowers :P Krishna had roses delivered to me for helping to make icons for his website :) they were so pretty and I loved the attention haha

So now Im off til the 29th woohoo! I will be doing lots of painting this week and Bella's bday is on Monday (still have to get her one more gift) and Tanya's bday is next Saturday. I know I won't want to go back to work after having 10 days off :S blah I need my sugar daddy so I don't have to work lol OHHHH and one more month til my b-day! the big 4 0 :O

ugh..

I am sooo stuffed :S we all went to Olive Garden and I had salad and cheese ravioli and feel like I am about to explode lol Gonna get on the bike in a few to burn some off :P

Ok..so I have off next week and am going to paint my room and the bathroom. If I feel brave enough I will do the dining room too lol now I just have to figure out what color I want to do..I know I want a blue with chocolate curtains (Like Jen lol) and dunno about the bathroom (anything will be better than that yellow lol). So wish me luck *fingers crossed* I don't think I will do such a bad job, I mean I've painted before and how  hard can it really be lol Will definitely take before and after pics.

Had a good cry today..

I talked to Mahir today..well not 'talked' but you know. It felt good..made me cry but in a good way :) It felt like we hadn't been distant at all and I loved that. I missed him and I needed this a lot.

Yesterday was dads b-day and I had to work :( I miss him so much and just wish we could relive that night so things could have been different :(  It's just so hard to move on.

Before I start crying again Im gonna change the subject..took Bella to see Hotel Transylvania and she loved it :) it was cute. Speaking of movies :P Jen, Mackenzie, Tanya and I are going to the Twilight Marathon on 11/15 and then seeing the last part of Breaking Dawn...over 12 hours at the theater lol we are crazy

Moms surprise party went well :)

She definitely had no clue :P I thought it turned out well and the twins were as cute as ever :) wish daddy could have been here for it :( I know she was missing him so much..especially with his birthday coming up next weekend.

LOL Bella is spending the night and drooling all over my pillows! She talks in her sleep too and is farting up a storm haha. Ugh she's growing up soo fast :( I want her to stay a kid forever :/

Allergies suck ass

They really do lol tired of sneezing, having watery eyes, itchy throat, etc..blah it makes me whiny lol So be warned!

Mama's birthday dinner at PF Changs was nice..Bella's dying to tell her about the surprise party on Saturday lol Here's a few pics from the night..me and my horrible double chin ugh..my sister needs to learn to take pics from a higher angle lol

Off for the weekend..5am now so I guess I need to carry my ass to bed *yawns* g'mornight

blahhhh

I have had a headache on and off for the past week :S my head is pounding and it surely can't be because I am at the computer all the time lol ughhhh gonna take some pills and watch tv

Ohhhh almost forgot..

My next tattoo will be..

from my elbow to my wrist on the outside of my right arm :) Just dunno when Im gonna do it.

Sneaking in...

Just when you thought I wouldn't be back ;)

Good news..we got our hours back at work so Im making 40hrs again woohoo :P
Now Im just spoiled cuz I was used to getting an extra day off and shorter hours lol blah I guess I will survive :D

Moms bday is on Wednesday..we're having a surprise party for her next weekend and I hope she won't be too shocked :P She's going to be 60! I know she's going to be emotional because Daddy would have been 60 in a few weeks and I know she misses him so much :( She's done so much for all of us and I wish I could do more for her. Will definitely post pics later :)

Issey is on skype with me reading my blog and asking me about something in 2009 lol He was singing to me earlier (should upload that huh). I told him Im going to kidnap Baraka whenever I make it to Maldives..she's tooo cute!

Soo I started playing War Commander and I really like it but I spent waaaaay too much money on it :O I removed paypal from my payment options lol I have a disease :( it's addicting though..didn't think it would be but it is lol 

Here's some updated pics..I let Amanda chop most of my hair off :) it's only hair..it grows back lol

Mwahs

Been ignoring this site again :/ Had a really shitty past couple weeks..Someone I love, my best friend, hasn't spoken to me in about a month (other than fighting) and it makes me extremely sad. We didn't used to go a day without talking and now it's like we don't know each other. I found out I was lied to..which hurt more than anything. I don't know what to trust anymore. I hope we can salvage our friendship..would hate to think some stupid fucked up game ruined that.

I've been talking to someone everyday..he tells me he loves me and I like feeling wanted/loved..I like that he will drop everything he's doing just to spend time with me. I don't want anyone hurt and I am being completely honest about how I feel...just think its gonna get complicated for everyone :S He is really sweet and makes me smile..and he knows the little things that make me happy :) I love talking to him and I care about him..but whatever I do, someone will get upset or hurt. I need a long vacation.

Oh..Bella started 4th grade. She's growing up so fast :( sometimes I wish she was still a tiny baby :P I will be trying to see if the invitro is still covered through our insurance and if it is, I will be trying it. Giving it one last shot this year..I really want to get pregnant and I want to be a mom more than anything :( wish me luck!

If I were a lesbian..

I would sooo attack her :P Radeo is soo fucking sexy!

Im a dumbass

I really am..Im sick of being treated like Im invisible unless you want something. Just tired of everything and wonder why I put so much feeling and caring into it when it doesn't feel like Im getting it back anymore :/ someone slap the shit outta me please

Slacking again..

Been exactly a whole month since I've blogged..need to change that. Things are going ok for me..He isn't speaking to me..again. One day he will realize what he's doing..I hope.

Work is better, we got more hours so Im back to full time in 2 weeks. YAY =] Ive also been taking all my meds like Im supposed to and I think it's actually helping a lot. I can definitely feel a difference now. On the downside (if you really consider it a downside) I have been drinking more. No more than 2 mixed drinks a day and it's not every day, so I don't consider it to be THAT bad.

Happy Father's Day..

I miss you :( <3

Proud of Bella :)

She won the 3rd grade Citizenship award at school :) She was voted on by all the kids as being the kindest and always positive and never judges anyone :) She was so happy, she got a certificate and a medal

YAY the weekend

Going to get out of the house and actually do something. Work was so slow and boring today and can't wait til next week to have 5 days off :P

Blah..it's almost been 2 fucking weeks with nothing but 5 words said to me :( Really? If you cared for someone, wouldn't you make an effort? I give up. I am still going to mail out his bday gift, even though it's gonna cost a shit load to mail dhl. Maybe he'll at least say thanks when he gets it..who knows :/

Drinking tonight for sure :))

Soccer

yeah Soccer..not Footbal..has been growing on me lately. Been watching the Euro 2012 matches and rooting for the hottest team :P seems to be working too lol One day I will actually understand sports..one day ;)


Had a shitty week and he's still not speaking to me..If he cared he would make the effort I guess. I can't sit in feel sorry for myself though :/ Been doing that for too long. One good thing about depression and new meds..I lost about 10lbs or more lol can't be such a bad thing to have I guess. Been eating healthier too and gonna work on a better me :)

blah I agreed to work for someone today and wish I hadn't now :S could have had the day off *sighs* Im just too nice sometimes :)

Love this kid <3

sooo been thinking about this lesbian thing

And the more I think about it..the more it makes perfect sense :) I had a threesome once so it's not like I've never been with a woman...and all the lesbians I know have great relationships with no daily fights. Thats what I want..a relationship with no fighting..or at least not stupid fights and be ignored for days :( Sick of being invisible.

I think I need to slow down on the vicodin too..I have a script for valid reasons but lately I've been taking them just to feel good. Beats being sad or depressed..just makes you not feel. I know it can lead to bigger problems but I promised Tesh I'd slow down..and I will. Just makes me feel better. In fact..I took one with my headache meds a lil while ago and the pain is gone and I am mellow and not really feeling anything right now.

I thought this year was going to be better than the last...I was sure wrong

Gonna be a lesbian

Seems like the only sensible thing to do :O Men are nothing but heartache and women are far more easy to understand *sighs* Well, most women :P

3 days off

And I know we won't talk...thats how it always is. Whenever I have time off there is always a reason or a fight so that we can't chat :/ Been 2 days and not one single word from him at all. What else can I do?

Decided to get some liquor tonight..have a few and relax..it's working for the most part but would be better if I wasn't drinking alone. Blah..Vivian mentioned me going out for drinks one night so I will definitely have to take her up on that.

Been 1 yr and 7 months of no smoking (well, I had maybe 4 in that time) YAY ME :)

One step forward...2 steps back

Seems like things never go my way. The more I move forward...the more steps back I have to take :(

Him and I are at it again *sighs* it's always something now :/ had a few panic attacks this week..ended up taking the meds and it helped. Just don't want to have to take them.  I feel like either swallowing every pill I have or flushing them all down the drain. Tired of pills and tired of life sometimes. I need a break :/

A good day

Spoke to him for over 3 hrs and I feel better having gotten some things out of the way. Was a good chat and a good day :) It felt good to hear him laugh too. So maybe tomorrow will be even better..who knows.

I haven't had to take the Ativan much at all..I think reducing the stress and upping the prozac has helped a LOT. Which is a good thing, because I never wanted to have to depend on more pills anyway. I'd love to be able to get rid of them all!

So today is the last of my lil 3 day vaca and I really don't wanna go to work lol If I can't win this lottery I have an alternate plan lol I have myself a partner in crime and he has agreed to help me rob a bank lol I think I'd have more luck doing that than to win the lotto lol

Blah day

I wasn't overly depressed or upset or anything..just a blah day..a lazy day and didn't have the energy to really do anything :/ too tired to even post much right now..will sleep and write later

Yay...the weekend!

So I had to work today but it wasn't bad at all..goofed off with co-workers most of the day and only had to be there for 4 1/2 hrs so it wasn't bad at all :) Came home and skyped with JC and Tesh and passed out for a few hours since someone didn't let me sleep at all lol Don't have to go back to work til Wednesday now :P YAY ME!!

Oh...haven't had as many panic attacks as I did before..don't know if me not fighting with him has anything to do with it or the fact that maybe the higher dose of prozac is helping..either way, I'm happy it's not happening as often :)

Thursday...

The morning went well..I feel like things are getting back the way they used to be and that makes me happy. One day I hope we can meet..dunno if that will ever happen..but one can always hope. As long as we don't let the petty things come in between us then I think we will be ok.

So while I was skyping I mentioned that I had just seen a friend request from someone I really hadn't talked to in about 7 months. I messaged them a few days ago and just wanted to start over I guess...wasn't expecting a request, but was happy it was sent. Baby steps..

ugh..I was talked in to working morning instead of closing today..it's after 2am and Im still up :S blah to insomnia!

Today was a good day..

well yesterday lol I chatted with him and it started to feel like old times. I know he is someone I want in my life forever, even though I know he will have a wife and family of his own one day...I still want him in my life even if it's just a tiny bit. I've never shared so much with someone or been so close so that I can just be myself around them like I am with him. We fight..we make up..he just makes me feel like a better person. I love him and I always want him happy.

Started the new meds today..won't know how the new prozac works til next month and had an attack today so I did take one of the pills. It did calm me down so I guess they help. Im trying not to take them though :/ Really didn't want to add another pill to the list  Im already taking :S

well almost 4am...this chick needs sleep <3

so tired..

I'm so tired of broken promises..something always comes up. If I am worth it, they would make the time and effort. When I feel like I get to take one step forward, I end up having to take 3 steps back :( I just need to get away..no net..no phone..no worries

Saw the doctor

He thinks it's panic attacks so he prescribed Ativan..which is habit forming so I need to make sure I only take it when needed. He would have liked to run more tests to see if it was something else but with my lack of insurance it was nearly impossible to do. I hate my job for that. Healthcare should be free for all. So he upped my Prozac too..maybe that will help me get out of this funk and stop me from crying all the time.

Still haven't spoken to him much lately...I see his posts on others and think of the smile it would bring to my face if he would pay me as much attention as he does others. It's been brought up before but I guess he forgot. I have off today and it would be a great day to skype..of course there are always reasons to why we can't now.  Wish he were back in Saudi :/

Playing around with her pics

ughh

So I didn't go to sleep til almost 8am lol Was skyping til late with Ardee and Tanya had to go to the ER for her toe (which they ended up doing nothing for it). So I slept til mid afternoon and wasted yet another day away.

Bella went to KD with Amanda and Ken and brought Hannah with her..they said they had a blast :P

Today..

It wasn't the best but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I wish I could forget what happened that night :( Just seems like it's stuck in my head. I hadn't talked to him today..he messaged me briefly but nothing much. I know he can't remember what yesterday was to me...but..I wish he could have been there for me a little. I am grateful for some awesome friends. Kept me smiling and the lil things they did kept my mind off of it being a bad day.

I ended up re-doing my blog..wanted to change it up since it's been the same since I started years ago. I like it too :) Supposed to go to Jens today..lets see if I keep that promise

2 years

It's been 2 yrs since my dad died..I still remember finding him in the garage and trying to do cpr on him like it was yesterday :( I miss him so much and I know we fought a lot but I wish I had told him more often how much I loved him and I hope he knew. I always wondered if he was in pain or if he was trying to call one of us out there and we just didn't hear :( I really hope he didn't suffer and I would do anything to have him back with us. I know he would have loved Ken and to have been able to walk Amanda down the aisle. To see Bella grow up into the amazing young lady she is going to be and to see her graduate and have a family herself. I thought alot lately about suicide and wondered if I would be able to see him again..to hug him and tell him I love him. To see Aiyush and tell him how sorry I was for not being there when he needed me most. To see Granny and PopPop and Naomi and just be out of pain. Death scares me so much but the thought of being there with them all made the fear go away. But I can't hurt my mom..and I can't imagine what Bella would go through either. So I stay here in pain..hiding most of my pain from everyone. It's on reason I like coming here again..I can put my feelings or ramblings down and it makes me feel a lil better. I still can't believe it's been 2 whole years since he's been gone :( If we had heard him or checked on him..would he still be here? The what ifs just haunt me..

I don't know how much more I can take

I want my pain to go away..I want to stop crying all day...I want to be happy :( I thought our talk was going to resolve things..but you can't resolve anything if you aren't willing to talk. It's like I hit a dead end again. I know he loves me and he should know how much I love him..but the mind games need to stop. I can't keep doing this. I got so scared at work today because I started getting lil chest pains and it freaked me out. I didn't say anything to anyone because it didn't last long, bus scared me none the less. I was so excited when we decided to talk today..loved hearing his voice..then it just turned to shit. I don't know what to do from here..I'm lost

Mother's day cont'd...

Breakfast at Amandas was nice..mom was really surprised with her iPad gift :) I love my family but I was doing everything I possibly could to just not break down and cry. Pretending to be happy all the time takes a lot of effort :/

It's almost been 2 weeks :( seems a lot longer though. I wish things could go back to the way they used to be..when I used to be important to him :( It only took one wall post or a text message from him to make me smile and feel like I mattered. I know he cares about me..just feels different now.

I slept most of the day away yesterday and it's only 2:30pm and Im trying to keep my eyes open :S I don't wanna waste this day away too :/

Happy Mother's Day..

I was up at 7:30 this morning after only getting about 4 hours of sleep..so needless to say  I'm moody and sleepy. Getting ready to have a Mother's Day breakfast at Amanda's and then back home to sleep maybe. I feel like I could snap at everyone :S don't want anyone looking at me or talking to me right now. Maybe I should start back on the prozac and actually finish a bottle. Anyway..will write more later

another day wasted..

Spent most of the day crying and being emo..slept on and off all day too. Didn't get to spend time with Bella like I had planned :/ The meds would work if I took them like I was supposed to I guess..I just get so tired of taking pill after pill. I caught myself dumping the whole bottle of pain pills in my hand last night. I just stared at them for a min or so..obviously I put them back in the bottle, but it was so tempting to just swallow them all..so tempting :( I have no idea what I need to do now and am desperate for some direction..

one week

..til the 2yr anniversary of my dads death :( As if this month wasn't hard enough for me as it is..I have to be reminded of that horrible day too. I always wonder why my life sucks so bad, did I do something? Is is just bad luck? Seems like there is always this black cloud hanging over my head. I need to get myself out of this depression..get motivated to DO something..anything. I just can't believe that of all the good things I've done and people I've helped that I am doomed to forever be alone and miserable. I just don't know what to do anymore and feel so lost all the time. He gets to decide when we will talk and I am the one who was more hurt by what was done and what was said. Why am I the one who feels like I have to hide my feelings this time? Just wish things were easier..is that too much to ask?

Another day..

Nothings changed..nothings better

I wish things could be different

Just want it to end..

Been listening to Boyce Avenue's cover of Coldplays "Fix You"..and can't stop crying. I try so hard and still get ignored. I feel like if I just went away I could make the hurt stop. You don't hurt people you love like this though :( I feel alone all the time, I can't talk about this to anyone because it just gets brushed off as over reacting or Im too embarrassed to say anything. I wanna be able to talk to people about this..keeping it inside me is killing me. I've been thinking about doing it a lot the past few days. I wouldnt be able to forgive myself if I put my family through this..so I guess living in pain is better for one person than many. I truly hate my life :(

How do you love someone you've never met? I've spent years talking to this person and I have nothing but love in my heart for him and wish things could be different..I wish we could meet..I wish religion wasn't an issue..I wish age wasn't an issue..I wish..

In a couple weeks it will be the anniversary of my dads death..2 years sine he's been gone :( I think about him and Aiyush all the time and miss them so much.

I don't know how to stop this and I don't know what to do next. I just want it to stop. I want to stop being sad and depressed all the time. I want to stop crying myself to sleep. I want to stop feeling alone. I just wanna stop.

I love my Bella with all my heart