I give up..

For 5 days I've done nothing but cry and make myself sick. I feel like he's tearing my heart out piece by piece without even a care as to how it makes me feel. I know that isn't healthy for me..and Im tired of being someones punching bag and being blamed for everything because it's easier on them. To have so much love for someone and then to feel like you are worthless in their eyes feels like shit. I've fantasized a few times about just going away..dying or disappearing or whatever..to just stop hurting. Then I think of Bella and I can't do it. Sometimes I wish I had the courage to do it..to just not feel. I wish I had Aiyush to talk to right now, but I don't. I got so angry over him killing himself but I know what he felt like. I know the pain he was going through and the choice he felt he had to make. Did he have the courage I don't? I dont know..