2 years

It's been 2 yrs since my dad died..I still remember finding him in the garage and trying to do cpr on him like it was yesterday :( I miss him so much and I know we fought a lot but I wish I had told him more often how much I loved him and I hope he knew. I always wondered if he was in pain or if he was trying to call one of us out there and we just didn't hear :( I really hope he didn't suffer and I would do anything to have him back with us. I know he would have loved Ken and to have been able to walk Amanda down the aisle. To see Bella grow up into the amazing young lady she is going to be and to see her graduate and have a family herself. I thought alot lately about suicide and wondered if I would be able to see him again..to hug him and tell him I love him. To see Aiyush and tell him how sorry I was for not being there when he needed me most. To see Granny and PopPop and Naomi and just be out of pain. Death scares me so much but the thought of being there with them all made the fear go away. But I can't hurt my mom..and I can't imagine what Bella would go through either. So I stay here in pain..hiding most of my pain from everyone. It's on reason I like coming here again..I can put my feelings or ramblings down and it makes me feel a lil better. I still can't believe it's been 2 whole years since he's been gone :( If we had heard him or checked on him..would he still be here? The what ifs just haunt me..