another day wasted..

Spent most of the day crying and being emo..slept on and off all day too. Didn't get to spend time with Bella like I had planned :/ The meds would work if I took them like I was supposed to I guess..I just get so tired of taking pill after pill. I caught myself dumping the whole bottle of pain pills in my hand last night. I just stared at them for a min or so..obviously I put them back in the bottle, but it was so tempting to just swallow them all..so tempting :( I have no idea what I need to do now and am desperate for some direction..

one week

..til the 2yr anniversary of my dads death :( As if this month wasn't hard enough for me as it is..I have to be reminded of that horrible day too. I always wonder why my life sucks so bad, did I do something? Is is just bad luck? Seems like there is always this black cloud hanging over my head. I need to get myself out of this depression..get motivated to DO something..anything. I just can't believe that of all the good things I've done and people I've helped that I am doomed to forever be alone and miserable. I just don't know what to do anymore and feel so lost all the time. He gets to decide when we will talk and I am the one who was more hurt by what was done and what was said. Why am I the one who feels like I have to hide my feelings this time? Just wish things were easier..is that too much to ask?

Another day..

Nothings changed..nothings better

I wish things could be different

Just want it to end..

Been listening to Boyce Avenue's cover of Coldplays "Fix You"..and can't stop crying. I try so hard and still get ignored. I feel like if I just went away I could make the hurt stop. You don't hurt people you love like this though :( I feel alone all the time, I can't talk about this to anyone because it just gets brushed off as over reacting or Im too embarrassed to say anything. I wanna be able to talk to people about this..keeping it inside me is killing me. I've been thinking about doing it a lot the past few days. I wouldnt be able to forgive myself if I put my family through this..so I guess living in pain is better for one person than many. I truly hate my life :(

How do you love someone you've never met? I've spent years talking to this person and I have nothing but love in my heart for him and wish things could be different..I wish we could meet..I wish religion wasn't an issue..I wish age wasn't an issue..I wish..

In a couple weeks it will be the anniversary of my dads death..2 years sine he's been gone :( I think about him and Aiyush all the time and miss them so much.

I don't know how to stop this and I don't know what to do next. I just want it to stop. I want to stop being sad and depressed all the time. I want to stop crying myself to sleep. I want to stop feeling alone. I just wanna stop.

I love my Bella with all my heart

I give up..

For 5 days I've done nothing but cry and make myself sick. I feel like he's tearing my heart out piece by piece without even a care as to how it makes me feel. I know that isn't healthy for me..and Im tired of being someones punching bag and being blamed for everything because it's easier on them. To have so much love for someone and then to feel like you are worthless in their eyes feels like shit. I've fantasized a few times about just going away..dying or disappearing or whatever..to just stop hurting. Then I think of Bella and I can't do it. Sometimes I wish I had the courage to do it..to just not feel. I wish I had Aiyush to talk to right now, but I don't. I got so angry over him killing himself but I know what he felt like. I know the pain he was going through and the choice he felt he had to make. Did he have the courage I don't? I dont know..