Playing around with her pics

ughh

So I didn't go to sleep til almost 8am lol Was skyping til late with Ardee and Tanya had to go to the ER for her toe (which they ended up doing nothing for it). So I slept til mid afternoon and wasted yet another day away.

Bella went to KD with Amanda and Ken and brought Hannah with her..they said they had a blast :P

Today..

It wasn't the best but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I wish I could forget what happened that night :( Just seems like it's stuck in my head. I hadn't talked to him today..he messaged me briefly but nothing much. I know he can't remember what yesterday was to me...but..I wish he could have been there for me a little. I am grateful for some awesome friends. Kept me smiling and the lil things they did kept my mind off of it being a bad day.

I ended up re-doing my blog..wanted to change it up since it's been the same since I started years ago. I like it too :) Supposed to go to Jens today..lets see if I keep that promise

2 years

It's been 2 yrs since my dad died..I still remember finding him in the garage and trying to do cpr on him like it was yesterday :( I miss him so much and I know we fought a lot but I wish I had told him more often how much I loved him and I hope he knew. I always wondered if he was in pain or if he was trying to call one of us out there and we just didn't hear :( I really hope he didn't suffer and I would do anything to have him back with us. I know he would have loved Ken and to have been able to walk Amanda down the aisle. To see Bella grow up into the amazing young lady she is going to be and to see her graduate and have a family herself. I thought alot lately about suicide and wondered if I would be able to see him again..to hug him and tell him I love him. To see Aiyush and tell him how sorry I was for not being there when he needed me most. To see Granny and PopPop and Naomi and just be out of pain. Death scares me so much but the thought of being there with them all made the fear go away. But I can't hurt my mom..and I can't imagine what Bella would go through either. So I stay here in pain..hiding most of my pain from everyone. It's on reason I like coming here again..I can put my feelings or ramblings down and it makes me feel a lil better. I still can't believe it's been 2 whole years since he's been gone :( If we had heard him or checked on him..would he still be here? The what ifs just haunt me..

I don't know how much more I can take

I want my pain to go away..I want to stop crying all day...I want to be happy :( I thought our talk was going to resolve things..but you can't resolve anything if you aren't willing to talk. It's like I hit a dead end again. I know he loves me and he should know how much I love him..but the mind games need to stop. I can't keep doing this. I got so scared at work today because I started getting lil chest pains and it freaked me out. I didn't say anything to anyone because it didn't last long, bus scared me none the less. I was so excited when we decided to talk today..loved hearing his voice..then it just turned to shit. I don't know what to do from here..I'm lost

Mother's day cont'd...

Breakfast at Amandas was nice..mom was really surprised with her iPad gift :) I love my family but I was doing everything I possibly could to just not break down and cry. Pretending to be happy all the time takes a lot of effort :/

It's almost been 2 weeks :( seems a lot longer though. I wish things could go back to the way they used to be..when I used to be important to him :( It only took one wall post or a text message from him to make me smile and feel like I mattered. I know he cares about me..just feels different now.

I slept most of the day away yesterday and it's only 2:30pm and Im trying to keep my eyes open :S I don't wanna waste this day away too :/