Can't sleep

Seems like I get less and less sleep each day. It's not by choice at all, I mean, If I could sleep I would. I just can't for whatever reason. I wake up and I'm tired..I pass out and I'm tired..I go to work and I'm tired. I need someone to knock my ass out so I can get a good 24hrs sleep haha I've developed these permanent bags under my eyes..they just won't go away now :S guess thats the perks of insomnia :P There's days when I think I only get about 2-3hrs sleep and other days I get a good 6, possibly a 7..very rarely do I get over 8. Sleeping pills are out of the question..dont wanna get dependent on them..and I heard chamomile tea would work..but I dont like the taste lol maybe I should try watching golf lol

so lazy..

Ok..so I had 4 days off and did absolutely nothing :O all this lack of sleep is running me down. Today, I didn't get up til almost 5pm! Yeah, 5pm! I guess I need to make myself go to bed earlier or take a sleeping pill. Something has to work. Now I'm on for 10days straight on Monday..but soon I'll have 9days off and I DO plan on doing something while I'm off lol

Went out to dinner with the family the other night..of course I had to have an argument with my dad. If someone isn't arguing with him then it's not normal. I definitely get my temper 100% from him! Just wish we could have ONE meal where someone wasn't bitching about something..I can dream, can't I? LOL Other than the argument..dinner was good. Bella was pigging out on some chips and salsa and could have drank her weight in sprite..if we let her :P I still can't believe she's growing up so fast :(

Soooo I was writing some stuff in my other journal and wrote this..no laughing -_-

Steady thoughts run through my mind..
Always wandering, always searching.
Never finding that place of peace,
Never allowing my head to rest.
Thinking back to alll the simple things,
The ones that meant so much.
My soul is tired, my heart is weak..
My body waits patiently, for what I cannot have.
Always yearning for that endless sleep.

I was playing with Fathey's pics :P

Miss you so much..

All I seem to think about is Aiyush lately :( The more I think about him the more I can't stop crying. I was going through some old msn archives and came across one where I was the one depressed and needed someone..He was there for me. He gave me encouraging words, hugs, everything I needed..But I couldn't be there for him and I wish I could have been. Maybe he'd still be here if I was, if I had seen that last notification, not gone to work that day, called him more, just been a better friend to him. I think about all the what-ifs and it kills me..I want him back now! I want to be able to text him everyday like I used to..I want drunk phone calls and skype session on cam..I want to be able to tell him how much I love him and need him. But I can't..he's gone and he's never coming back. I can't even write this without crying like a baby. I wanted to hate that girl..I wanted to make her feel like shit for what she did to you :( but I can't, because I know you loved her and wouldn't want me to be that way. But I can't help but to blame her..it was ultimately her fault and I can't forgive her for that. One day I might be able to, but not now, not yet. You were never invisible. I love you always Aiyush

2009...

I'm no good at expressing how I feel most of the time, unless its to show that I'm pissed :P so bare with my ramblings :P

This year has been quite a ride for me.. there have been many good things that happened to me this year and some pretty awful things too. Earlier this summer I lost a friend of mine who thought that taking his own life was the way to get away from his pain..he left behind a great family and a terrific son who miss him terribly. I think about him a lot and try and remember the fun times we had..just a few months later I was at work and was told that Aiyush has killed himself and I lost it..it was a total shock to us all. He was such a good friend to me and I just wish I had been a little better friend to him. I loved him dearly and would have done anything for him. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him and wish he were back :( but he too thought this was the way to end his suffering..I only wish they had given it a little more thought. I know they didnt want any of us hurting, but a lot of us still are. I thought that was going to be the last of the bad news of 2009..then about a month ago, one of my bosses husband was in a motorcycle accident and was killed instantly. I hung out with them often and he would always come to our job to joke around..He was a great father, husband and friend and will surely be missed by many.

I hope those of you that have lost someone finds peace in your heart and those of you that are feeling alone or desperate to always know there is always an option..there's always hope..there's always another way. You can talk to me whenever you feel you need to...and if need be, I can call you wherever you are, any time <3 <3


2009 was also kind of an eye opener for me..I started on fb years ago and was just the real "me"..then I started to try and photoshop "me" into what I thought people wanted me to be. If I got attention then I kept the lie going.. So I was a fake. I decided to come clean with the push from someone, and have felt like the world had been lifted from my shoulders. I no longer had to pretend anymore and those that chose to stop talking to me (you know who you are) are just missing out. Nobody's perfect and I'm starting to see that. I got an inbox message from quite a few people saying how proud they were of me and that I actually inspired a couple people. That made me feel really good to think that just being myself would help someone else do the same one day. I have missed a few of the ones who are no longer speaking to me, but I'm going to move on and they're going to regret not knowing me like they should :) I even got on cam for a few people, there's no photoshopping on your cam lol So no more fake me..all you're getting is the real MeMe, under eye bags and all :P

So what are my New Years Resolutions? Hmm well I have quit smoking (a little over a month now..yay me) and I'm not biting my nails anymore lol I was trying to beat Fathey but that doesn't seem to be working lol so for me..it's gonna be health related, inner and outer.

1. I'm going to start eating and living healthier

2. I'm going to work on my temper (shocking huh lol bet most of you didn't know I had one (A) )

3. Going to start loving myself

4. Manage my finances MUCH better than I have been

5. Try and get along with my family more :/

6. Have a more positive attitude towards life and will not rely on others to make or keep me happy. I will be the one in charge of my own destiny and happiness from now on :) It's hard to let people in and then have things fall apart..so I'll be more guarded but will still be willing to let the walls down a bit ;)

I do plan on meeting my Twinny and wifeys this year so that has to be a sign that the year will be much better than the last :) Can you see all of us together in one place :O I smell trouble lol


So if you've managed to stay awake through this..thank you :P

I wish you all a very Happy and Healthy New Year, may all your hearts be filled with love, happiness and comfort <3 <3 I'm sincerely glad to call you my friends and family :)


Mwahsssss
xoxoxoxox
MeMe :)

Merry Christmas

This years Christmas will be a lil harder than some..I lost Jason, Aiyush and Ramon this year..2 to suicide and 1 to a horrible accident. I'd give anything to have them back right now :( some wishes Santa just can't grant..I also had a relationship end this week..nice timing eh? Merry Christmas to me, right? One day I will have everything I want and be truly happy..might take a year or 10 but I've got nothing but time, so I can wait.

I hope everyone has very Merry Christmas and a safe and Happy New Year!

xoxo

Blah.,.Happiness

I think it's all one big pile of shit. Nobody is ever meant to be truly happy..at least not stay happy all the time. You'd think that people who are never happy, get used to it. But they don't..they get one little glimpse of happiness and have a tiny bit of hope in their heart to just have it taken away. So why bother? Why try have any type of happiness at all? Just to set yourself up for failure? Heartache? Lies? I've learned a few things though..
NEVER trust anyone
NEVER believe promises made to you..no matter what
expect NOTHING so that when you don't get anything, you're not disappointed
keep your heart HIDDEN and it won't get broken

I'm tired of being tired..I'm tired of being hurt and being fake. I "came out" in a note awhile back and got lots of love and acceptance from a lot of people. Had a few people delete or ignore me because I wasn't what they wanted me to be..shallow people I guess. But now I just want to stop pretending that I'm always happy..I'm not..even when I was happy being with someone, I was still hurting inside and being depressed all the time. I don't love myself..I don't like myself sometimes but I'm learning to try. I want to have emo days and bitchy days without anyone being so shocked as to where its coming from. I want to have a life...I want to matter to someone..I want to be the first thought on someones mind when they wake up and the last thought when they go to bed..I want to be able to not worry about money (EVER)..I want peace in my family..I want to grow old someone who cares about me..I want to be able to smile and actually mean it..I just want a lil happiness, is that too much to ask for?